Jun 8 2010

A Little Love


I celebrated my graduation this last Saturday with a BBQ in Golden Gate Park. About 50 people came to celebrate with me, and I can’t even begin to tell you how fantastic it made me feel. It is interesting the range of emotions that are coursing through my body right now. I am surprised by some, but mostly I am finding myself just fascinated by it all. I watch as things arise, fall away, and shift, as always, but I also notice that this isn’t happening in neat little linear fashion. My emotions seem to be all over the map, and often a confused jumble of several at once.

I have always known that it’s hard for me to accept or take in positive responses from folks. I had promised myself that this celebration, I would do my best to stay present and just take in whatever was coming. I had my moments of withdrawal, of wanting to erect my normal defenses, and not experience what folks were there to give me. Luckily, I was able to see this and stop it before much time. I was able to witness and be moved by my friend Donna’s heartfelt and loving tribute. I was able to express and be loved by everyone who came. I continue to reverberate with the energy of connection.

It’s interesting to go through this transition. I am moving from volunteering in Hospice, Going to School, and trying to keep the schedule; to just trying to keep the schedule. I haven’t ever had just one thing before. I am noticing my tendency to fill up the empty spaces with projects or business. I am noticing my sadness, grief, separation from the Department at school where I was so engaged, and welcomed. I am noticing my joy, and pride as well as my tendency to disregard or ignore these more positive aspects.

I think this is what life really is. Nothing happens that doesn’t bring all of ourselves to the forefront. Our work as practitioners is to just allow that to come forth; to just allow it to be what it is, and not lean into or away from any of it. Today, I seem to be able to do that. Tomorrow maybe different, but today, this is the practice of zazen.