Daibai asks Basho, “What is the Buddha?”
Basho replies, “This very mind is Buddha.”
I often find myself thinking things will get better. Somehow the idea has taken root that once things are better, then I will be a better person, or enlightened, or a myriad other ideas. I seem to be constantly in a state of waiting. “When I am ordained” or “When my body feels better” or “When I have a boyfriend” and on and on and on and on.
The problem with this is that I am never satisfied. There is no contentment. There is nowhere for me to find acceptance. Suzuki Roshi once said, “Just this is it.” And it is in the “just this” that contentment, peace and nirvana happen. It is in that exact moment of presence that we can see ourselves and the world exactly as they are.
This very mind is Buddha. Not the mind I think I need to have, not the mind that someone else says I can have, but THIS very mind. The one I have right now, with all it’s judgements, unsettledness, and allergy to this present moment. So even when I am failing at “Just this is it”… I am still Buddha. I am simply failing Buddha. The same can be said for my fear, irritability, grief, anger, or anything else. It is all Buddha.
That’s the part I keep forgetting. I keep looking for my buddha nature, thinking it is somewhere other than right here. I keep looking for this thing called settled, or this thing called priest practice, or whatever else my mind creates to steer me away from the equanimity and peace of this very moment.
I woke up this morning and thought, “If this is as good as it gets, can I find a way to be okay with it.” The funny thing about that is that this is as good as it gets. There is nothing beyond just this. I only think there is somewhere else, or some way else I am “suppose” to be. Again, Suzuki Roshi is right; Just this is it.
Haller Roshi, my teacher is often fond of asking me (and everyone else), “What’s happening now, and what is it to practice with it.” He also requests us to put the answer into as succinct a response as possible. A few words. There is something in the boiling down of what is happening now that causes me to look deeper into it. Is it anger? No not really, Is it fear? Not quite there… and on it goes.. This is how we practice with Dogen’s “To study the Way is to study the Self.” Can we get to the essence of this experience, before it passes away, and truly experience it. That’s the “what is it to practice with it?” To really allow that momentary experience to come into contact with our awareness, to fully experience it as it passes through. Not attaching some idea or response to it, not even coming up with an expression for it, but to just allowing it to register.
Like a lotus in muddy water, the mind is pure and goes beyond. Thus we bow to Buddha.